Monday, November 26, 2012

100 Best Dollar Store

100 Best Dollar Store

What can a hundred bucks get you at the dollar store? Everything...and a pregnancy test.

The dollar store is as American as apple pie and Chinese food. We’ve all stopped by the store to pick up a cheap bottle opener or a shoddy pair of scissors. But when you’re tasked with spending $100, you begin to appreciate the merchandise more. Behold...the best 100 items you can buy at the dollar store.

1. Smoked Oysters in Sunflower Oil

At first your cringe, but the ingredients aren’t that scary: Smoked oysters, sunflower oil, salt. See? That’s not gross. That’s just lunch!

2. Finga-Saurs

Play with Finga-Saurs all day, and your subsequent finga-sores all night!

3. Scented Garbage Bags

How much are you spending on flower-scented pink garbage bags every day? Stop it! You’re spending too much for those brand name bags. Stick with these and save!

4. Chocolate Hands

They’re sac-delicious!

5. 3D Glasses

Remember that guy from Back to the Future who wore 3D glasses? Be like him!

6. German Potato Salad

Slightly more appetizing than German Celery Salad.

7. Waterbottle

Actually, it’s more of a water bag. We’re using it to smuggle milk into baseball games. (Stadium milk prices are exorbitant.)

8. Pregnancy Test

If you’re about to have a baby, you need to save some money. Start now by buying this wonderfully sad, creepy, depressing, budget-priced pregnancy test. Hell, buy a dozen and have an amazing summer!

9. FBI Kit

Our Halloween costume is complete. (We’re going as someone who spent $1 on the costume.)

10. Nail Clippers w/ Magnifying Glass

At first we thought this was an ingenious item. Then we opened it and learned the magnifying glass isn’t attached to the clippers, and thus Christmas was ruined.

11. Inflatable Flamingo

The editor who inflated this beast asked, “Why does the nozzle taste like sweaty rust?” before he passed out.

12. Inflatable Monkey

Because he's dating the flamingo.

13. Face Mask

A dollar face mask can (probably) save you from swine, bird, human, and wood flu. But not mask flu.

14. Circus Balls

Once you get past the name, you’ll notice the strange animal mascot. Is it a monkey? Hopefully.

15. Crystal Growing Kit

Wanna come over and play Breaking Bad with us? (You can be Saul.)

16. Hand Warmers

“Boy, these will come in handy! HAHAHA!” we said to the Baby Gap.

17. Tender Murders

Holy shit! The foreword is written by the guy who wrote Road to Perdition!!!

18. Chili Mango

The trick-or-treaters will be so surprised!

19. Cold Compress

Use it to prevent cats from overheating this summer.

20. Flower Bulbs

They taste as you’d expect.

21. Party Straws

Getting things ready for our That’s My Boy midnight release party. We love later-day Adam Sandler movies. Like a fine wine, he only gets better with age.

22. Napkins

They’re dating the straws.

23. Popping Candy

“Oh, you’re eating Pop Rocks? Pfff. Not me. I’m eating this Popping Candy. You probably never heard of it. Pitchfork says this candy is the next Sufjan Stevens, so....” - Hipster Candy Fan

24. Squirting Sealife

No comment.

25. Coconut Pattie

No one in the office was brave enough to try it. We were all too full from German Potato Salad, Oysters and Squirting Sealife.

26. Grow Capsule

Add water and watch it grow in its cage until it begins looking like a sad, neglected tiger! As an added bonus, it fits in most trash cans.

27. Pumpkin Seeds

Nothing funny about this. We just wanted them.

28. Stretch Buck

“Mommy! Can I have a dollar? But, like, a dollar that stretches? And make sure it’s sticky and smells like rubber and feels unholy!” said children everywhere.

29. Umbrellas

They make even the most pedestrian drink sophisticated. We put it in our mug of tuna water. Party!

30. Million Dollar Mints

Full disclosure: These aren’t bad. Fuller Disclosure: We killed a hobo with a shovel once.
31. Bo Bice CD

We don’t watch American Idol, but apparently Bo Bice is a superstar of unparalleled talent. The fact that his album is only a dollar is obviously the result of some sort of mix-up. Until Bo realizes the huge mistake, you readers should act fact. There were only a few dozen copies of this album left! The dust on the packaging is probably added at the CD factory to make it look rustic.

32. Tiny Trophies

In our modern society, everyone gets a trophy. Granted, the trophies are small, cheaply made, and the paint flakes off. But you get one! Way to go! Yay.

33. Bandanas

These make lousy kites and even worse handkerchiefs. But the price is right.

34. Bra Clips

We don’t know what they do. Please show us.

35. Handy Shammy

Either it’s the poor man’s version of the Sham Wow, or the fancy man’s version of toilet paper.

36. Eyeshadow

Because they didn’t have any knee shadow.

37. Flakes DVD

Zooey Deschanel stars in this romantic comedy about a restaurant that only serves cold cereal. It was directed by Michael Lehmann, which we assume is a pseudonym for Werner “Adorkable!” Herzog.

38. Glowing Trident

Now the bullies will never beat us up because we have the power of glowing!

39. Shell Bikini

Fun Fact: There’s no dressing room at the dollar store and the folks in the parking lot are downright prudish.

40. Door Hangers

Let's do the math. Three door hangers for a buck. We personalize the door hangers (e.g. “Do Not Disturb Kenneth”) and sell them for $17 each. Then we live like kings! Anyone know Etsy’s phone number?

41. Cool Scarf

Not only is it a cool scarf, but it’s a cool scarf too! Simply soak the scarf in water and wear it around your neck. If this doesn’t keep you cool, you could always just soak any piece of fabric and do the same, party pooper.

42. Nick Lachey CD

The price tag is a lie. It was only a dollar. To all those fools who bought each track individually from iTunes, we say: HA!

43. Jewelry Tattoos

Before you get that tattoo of the earring on your neck, use these temporary tattoos to see how it’ll look first. Trust us.

44. Toy Dinosaurs

They make life 63% better.

45. Poncho

Gallagher concerts, here we come! (Anyone know where we can score some sweet front row Gallagher tickets? Money is not an object.)

46. Seeing Double DVD

Judging by the box art, this is a hard-hitting drama about sweatsuits and race.

47. Baseball Cap

A plain blue cap just screams, “I’m a grandfather on vacation!”

48. Birds

These fake birds are just what our salad needs! It's all about presentation.

49. Turkey Lacer

Our chef friends tell us this is a legit item from a legit brand. We shrug and tell them to make us spaghetti and shut the hell up.

50. Decorative Balloons

These are much nicer than the pragmatic balloons we’ve been using. The helium grade is a plus, but the package says nothing of its radon grade. Hmm.

51. Combat Soldiers

When G.I. Joe is busy with human rights violation trails, it’s up to the farm team to help rid the world of terrorists.

52. Bath Glove

What a great invention! But how do you clean the gloved hand?

53. Vienna Bites

Vienna is the birthplace of Sigmund Freud and these tiny weiners. Thanks, Vienna! And thanks for the serving suggestion, Armour. We were going to eat them out of the Bath Glove.

54. The Hunchback of Notre Dame Cards

It’s been 16 years since Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame was in theaters. That means these cards are very, very valuable. Can’t believe we found them for only a dollar! For any card dealers out there, we’ll trade you our Laverne (Card #34) for $4,599.

55. Basketball Cards

Yep. They still make these. What a great expression on his face! He's so scared of his own talent.

56. Anastasia Cards

It’s only been 15 years since Anastasia was released, so these cards aren’t as valuable as the Hunchback pack. Also, no one remembers this movies because none of the characters said, “To infinity, Anastasia. And beyond!” We’ll sell the entire pack for a mere $90.

57. Glitter Phone Case

A smart phone won’t fit in this tiny case. That’s why we’re using it to hold condoms and our baby teeth.

58. Acid Rain

More like Ass-id Rain. Wait. That was mean. We haven’t even watched it yet. Apologies to the fine team who put this little bit of cinema together.

59. Laxatives

We appreciate the blunt names of generic products. The Gatorade flavor naming committee can learn a lot from this straightforwardness.

60. Safety Goggles

Safety first! Or, in this case, 60th.

61. Fun Guns

You can have hours and hours of fun dreaming up other ways you should have spent that dollar.

62. Lion Statue

This is amazing. It’s....there are no words. They should give this out at the Academy Awards.

63. Plastic Balloons

Back in the day, these were a staple of many Easter baskets and birthday parties. Now, the fumes of these plastic bubbles seem more dangerous than pure opium.

64. Rock Light

The solar powered rock light would be amazing, if only it worked. We still haven’t figured out how to turn it on. Still, an electric rock is way better than a stupid regular rock.

65. Socks

The socks are OK, but the photo on the package is worth 100 pennies. Not sure what this guy won, but he earned it. Way to go, Luke. We assume your name is Luke, Luke.

66. Boat Stickers

If there’s one thing kids love, it’s "laser" maritime stickers!

67. Mouse Pad Frame

Few things are as patriotic as this American Mouse Pad. Need a photo for this frame? Use the photo above and be ironic.

68. American Idol Cards

“Oh,” said everyone who ever received these cards as a gift.

69. Egg-Laying Frog

This item brought the entire office together as we gathered to watch the plastic frog lay rubbery eggs. And then it laid the fake eggs. And then everyone was disappointed. It was just like the time we all went to see Green Lantern in theaters.

70. myTunes Foam Earphone Covers

We get the red! You can have others, at 20-cents a pair.

71. Without Light DVD

According to the cover, “Without love there is only darkness.” Also according to the cover, the blind guy has a ninja sword. This could very well be the greatest movie of them all!

72. Little Girl Statue

Looking for a statue to collect the valuable dusts in your living room? This is the statue for you!

73. Air Horn

Yep! You too can be annoying for the price of one dollar! We’re using the air in this horn to fill up the balloons so when they pop, it will be even louder!

74. CD Case

Stop carrying your CDs around like a loser and use this handy carrying case! If you’re too young to know what CDs are, then you’re probably texting with Lisa right now and not really reading this at all.

75. Safety Reflector

Put this on your belt, and you’ll live forever!

76. Saddle

It’s really a Sad-ddle. We feel bad that people actually buy these and display them proudly.

77. Eagle

Now this is art! It’s more beautiful than a real eagle! Too bad we broke the wing mere seconds after the photo was taken. We just can’t have nice things.

78. Sunglasses

With these shades, we’re ready for the beach. There’s just one thing missing...

79. Paper Watch

Don’t you dare sweat. It’ll ruin everything!!! Stop sweating!

80. Solcum and the Bandit Durango, by Jake Logan

Opening line: With her thick arms folded over her large bust, Madame Mustache stood in his way.

81. Glass Cupid Cube


82. Light Stand for Glass Cupid Cube

Holy crap! This is amazing! The light will shine through the Glass Cupid Cube and delight all who witness the beauty! The cube and stand were sold separately, which is a total ripoff. But when the stand and cube combine, you realize God exists.

83. Certificate

Congrats! Your accomplishment is worth exactly one dollar.

84. Hula Girl

This is pure sex.

85. Macho After Shave

“Hey. How’s it going? Wanna kiss on the mouth? Of course you do...of course you do.” - the commercial for Macho that we just wrote.

86. Goofy String

Somewhat less desirable than name brand Silly String, but still better than Serious String.

87. Flower Picture

The glitter really brings out the other glitter.

88. Eye Mask

Now nothing can wake us up on our hot air balloon ride.

89. Magic Towel

It’s the damn Harry Potter of towels!

90. Meat Thermometer

Until we bought this, we thought a meat thermometer was a thermometer made of meat. [sigh]

91. Shoe Art

We know just the place for this! A wall!!!

92. Leopard Place Mat

Take this to the restaurant when you really want to impress. (Kids: Vertically, this makes some totally rad locker art!)

93. Mini-Tripod

“Never trust a tripod from a dollar store.” - Ulysses S. Grant

94. Sharpie

OK fine. We were at the dollar store for over an hour, and got a little cranky. We needed a few more items to round out the list. you go.

95. Managing Your Home Office CD-Rom

We get the feeling that this old disc shouldn’t be sold separately. It seems like it should be part of something else. It came in a crappy cardboard sleeve and smells like puzzles. We're calling the FBI to get to the bottom of this.

96. Super Glue

We need this to fix the crappy statues that we broke. And to lift our car.

97. Walrus Statue

When a piece of art speaks to you, you must listen. And this piece said, “Eh...why not?”

98. Magnet

This only cost one penny! We didn’t realize that until after we checked out. We're thinking about going back to the store and filling up on these magnets! Meet us there in 20 minutes. Bring ten dollars and the biggest bag you have. Best of times, indeed.

99. Marshmallow Poles

According to the package, one serving is five poles. We could make a lewd joke here, but we’re taking the high road. [fart]

100. Salami

All that for $1? You can almost taste the savings! Wait, you can totally taste the savings!

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